experiments with vulnerability
Until about a month ago, I thought I had it all under control and was certain about what I looked for in personal relations. I now long for something I've never experienced. Acceptance, love, and someone to fall back on.
A few shared laughs would be nice.
Hey, at least there's no cause for regret. The biggest possible changes in my life have been a product of rejection. When an external agency reaffirms my hyper-critical opinion of myself, I accept I may not be good enough. Yet. But, I will be. I don't have all the answers and I don't want all the answers because that is a futile objective that is certain to leave me yearning for closure.
However, I can will good things into my life. It's the only liberty no one can snatch from me for it is purely intrinsic.
It's a bit frustrating. I feel this intense need to articulate my thoughts on paper. I believe that it might help me achieve some clarity in my emotions, however, I lack the patience.
I'm quite lonely, here in this city. I work with some smart people, and I'd like to befriend some of them. It is a mixture of a few internal and external complications that I don't think I'm confident enough to navigate, at least in this moment.
Social conventions and norms are sometimes just ridiculous. You know it, I know it, most people will agree and some of them might actually be confident enough to not care about public expectation. I mostly worry about being misunderstood, even when I have the best of intentions. In my 20s, I thought I I had managed to get over it when I met some wonderful, non-judgemental people. But, as soon as I had established some sort of stable friendship, I was compelled to move again. It sucks. I'm exhausted of this routine—of uprooting my life, moving to a new city, getting interesting in the new job, and then failing over and over again at establishing a dependable social circle.