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What do you want? Do you want acceptance? Or an audience? Or love? Or admiration? Or company? Because somewhere, you believe happiness and contentment are dependent on this while cognitively you know that's a lie.
Maybe you are doomed to a life time of dissatisfaction. Maybe this is just who you are as a person. Repulsed by yourself, yet occasionally filled with self pity. So many distractions to channel your rage and melancholy into, yet they all seem to be fleeting while this depression seems to be eternal.
You cannot be obsessed over any one thing or idea or person. That is simply not an option, ever. You need help. You have people who care about you. You think you value them but do you internally feel that value? Does that make any sense? Where is your introspection failing you?
It is clear how drugs are quit effective at muddying up this clarity of thought and the associated emotions. Why to feel when you don't know what to make of those unpleasant feelings? Why is good enough never actually good enough?
How do I find out if it's the 3 year old me, or if it's the 11 year old me, or if it's the 16 year old me that's hurting at the moment? How do I know whose tears these are and if I can't figure that out, how can I make it go away?
Everyone talks about being there and accepting people when times are tough but where are they?
Where is everyone?