9
There are several emotions churning inside me at this very moment. It doesn't feel all that great to be a human right now. I should perhaps, just follow my own advice and accept the fact that my locus of control ends with the boundaries of my body. All I can do is control how I respond. Maybe, take some time to process information and make a decision without waiting too long for neurotic what-ifs to take over.
I was doing alright for the past few days. I hope the two-week-long break will help reset me. The sadness is a weight. I try to compensate for its immense momentum by funneling additional mass from the certainty of my advice into all efforts to keep the melancholy still. I don't know why I believe that anchoring it will somehow make it bearable. Perhaps, it's because it turns the patterns in thought easier to domesticate.
You know those moments, when you're sure you'd feel better if you just cried it out? Yet, you just can't seem to cry?
I'm quite surprised that I still feel like this. This phase was supposed to be over. I've been infatuated before, specifically, to a construct that's some part the actual personality of the person and the rest composed of a projection of what I seem to be deeply attracted to. Maybe, I should try and understand the qualities I am attracted to. I could cultivate them in myself.
Then I would, perhaps, enjoy my own company a bit more.