4
Life is quite absurd. Existentialism isn't Optimistic Nihilism. The latter kind of left me with no real sense of closure since I've repeatedly failed at finding meaning. The former just bluntly states that having nothing to do is worse than suffering in this cruel and inhospitable world.
I wished for some company to coast through this bleak, smothering experience of life and I've had some good company. I wish to be surrounded by kind folk who do not judge while sharing whatever little they know of the world. Perhaps, I'm a poor judge of character and these people are all around me, and yet I fail to spot them. Perhaps.
I might be a bit heartbroken. I spent a great deal of energy and time unnecessarily riding the roller coaster of emotions this past week. I am now required to withdraw gradually until I can find that safe space within myself. I feel alone. I have been here many times yet, I do not have a solution. It's incredibly difficult to put myself out there when I am wary of people.
I withdraw for now.